Please Let the Cycle Break

Today my brother might be getting out of jail on bail. For anyone who has read this back a few months you would see that my brother attacked my family and has been held until now awaiting trial. Well today his wife may be bailing him out. She is friends with a bail-bondswoman apparently and she is going to give her a payment plan deal to get him out now.

I don't know the whole story, I just know I have that sick feeling in my stomach again. The same one I had all through this year. The feeling that he is going to be out. The feeling of safety is drifting away and all the anxiety is coming back. We have a restraining order that states he cannot come within 100 feet of our home. But it's not like he's exactly listened to the law before now.

Another problem is my mom has blocked out everything that happened. She thinks that if he is out everything is going to be nice again. Her memory is horrible partly because of her medication, but also because Ken and his wife have been brainwashing my mom since day one.

He threatened my family with guns and my mom refers to it as, "He was having a bad day." I have fought with her a few times lately over my hatred towards him and my mom at least party thinks I'm the one in the wrong. She also blames me for him being in jail which is a great thing to have from your mother. Really makes me feel like an outsider in this family.

I just keep waiting for everything to go wrong again. The past few months I was too happy. I could sleep at night sometimes. I could go to sleep without licking all the windows and doors and hanging a blanket over my window. I can't help but feel it's all coming to an end again.

My dad as always isn't worrying about it. And he even invited Ken to our family Thanksgiving if he's out. So I won't be going this year if he shows up. I am going to be cooking my first Turkey myself. My dad still has his delusions that we will be some perfect functional TV family, but that is never going to happen. Ken could save my life, Ken could die to save me from something and I will still, always hate him.

Nothing is going to erase the last 12 years. Whether my parents turn their back on the problems like they always do or not. But they will, and have already begun.