I Break Down Profound, Beginning, End

So just like normal it's well before daylight but I am already awake. I managed to get about four hours of sleep, during my six hours of laying in bed. I woke up 3 times and a lot of it was just sitting there in the dark thinking.

My brother has a bail hearing this Wednesday. Up until now he has been held without bail for his crimes, but all of that could change tomorrow. My mom told me that he told her, "If my mom or I testify against him, his lawyer will tear us apart." Here's what I don't understand. How is his lawyer going to tear me apart?

I don't have any skeletons in my closet. I don't have any crimes or mistrusts I can pay for to bring doubt to my testimony. I'm not afraid to look embarrassed in front of a court room, nor would I give in to keep some pride. I hate him, I hate him so fucking much. Even sitting in a jail cell he thinks he can just push my family around.

The problem right now is it's been a little bit since all that stuff happened and my parents are starting to give in. My mom and dad have a problem with helping him and giving him the benefit of the doubt even though he has shit on everything they have done for him for 13 years. He does something major, and before long, my parents are indirectly helping him.

They make excuses for him. They listen to his wife who has the legal know-how of my cat. They see something bad happening and feel pity on him and once again it ends up hurting all of our lives.

My dad keeps saying he is getting this bail hearing on the condition that he not come here. I need to ask my dad if this is an actual legal stipulation to this trial, or if its just another stupid fuckin thing he told Ken to do, and listened when Ken said, "I won't Dad." If it's the latter which I fear it might be, I'm going to be spending a lot of time not here, and even more time staying with friends.

It's true what John Heffron said. If you are the youngest kid, no matter how big you end up, you're always really flinchy. My brother is in jail right now, and his threats still make me worry. I'm sure it has something to do with him holding a gun to my family saying he'll kill us, and I'm also sure that it's the feeling that by some crazy chance he is going to end up outside again.

I'm tired of putting a blanket over my window at night because I'm paranoid. I'm tired of his whore wife having their 24 hour alarm clock baby here. I'm tired of my parents and me paying for mistakes we didn't make. I want to feel safe in my house again and not worry about if my parents are ok. I want to sleep.

I just want everything to be normal again.