There's Eleven Words I've Rehearsed to Say

Going to be gone all day again today. Well I thought I was, but stuff got postponed till later. Today has so much potential to either suck amazingly bad, or be surprisingly good.

Can't wait to get home and just play Paper Mario all night.

This here is for a good time, so everybody get off of your asses.

Tis the Season

Well there it is. She went up a little later than usual this year, but Christmas can now take place. Presents can be put under the tree. The cats can nervously investigate until they end up sleeping all night underneath it. And I can spend 25 minutes clearing a path behind it to the plug so that I don't burn down our house every night.

Christmas used to be my favorite time of year. Come on, presents, time off from school, and did I mention presents? Now I think my favorite time of year is Thanksgiving. It's Christmas without the hassle.

Receiving gifts is no longer that important to me. I get my highs from getting someone that one thing they really wanted and seeing them light up when they realize what it is. That gets harder and harder every year though. I'm almost done with my shopping this year, but swimming amongst the bipedal piranhas has been a less than uplifting experience.

Did I mention not having a job and people getting me stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable. It's part of my nature, that I have to at least get close to giving them something of similar value or meaning. Being practically broke makes this difficult. I feel guilty that I can't just run out and spend as much as I want on them.

Wow, setting up that tree really brought me down.

Five Years Ago Today, I Almost Died

I don't have a scanner, but I do have a camera

December 18th, 1999

I worked all night at Brookshires. It was a truck night, during the busiest time of year. 30+ pallets of grocery goodness, all had to be arranged and stocked before morning. We of course weren't going to make it but we did as best we could none the less. I got to work at 10PM, and I got off work the next morning around 10AM.

December 19th, 1999

I had been so busy with the store that I hadn't had a time to do any Christmas shopping yet, and today was going to be my chance to take care of it all. Doug, Chase, and I, loaded up in my girlfriend at the time(Jo)'s truck and went to Longview. There's two different ways that both end up in Gilmer at the same place, that days choice was 2088. 2088 is a very windy road, but I was a great driver I thought so it wouldn't matter.

Eight miles from Bettie, while "Trust" by Megadeth was playing on the radio, I rolled the truck. I remember a truck coming around this long sharpish turn and he came into my lane some, so I got on the outside of my lane to give him room. Only I gave him too much room. The outer wheels got in the grass, which was soft due to rain and the truck fish tailed. It cut across traffic and went head first into a ditch. It flipped end over end 3 times, throwing me out on the second flip, and landing on an incline resting on my lower back. I was pinned beneath it's weight. The left rear tire was square on my lower back.

I came too with car fluids pouring down into my face. Shoved down into the mud, I started screaming. I didn't know exactly what was going on, I just knew I couldn't move. One arm was trapped under my body, pushed down into the ground and I had my right arm free. My chest was compressed to the point where I couldn't breathe, but because the ground was so soft I was able to dig out a hole under my chest so I could get air in.

My right leg felt like something was stabbing into it. I couldn't see it, but on the outside of the car I kept flailing it around in frustration at being trapped. I later learned that it wasn't something going into my leg, but rather, something coming out of my leg. My leg between my knee and my ankle was pretty much destroyed. Between the two bones I had 17 total breaks. What I thought was stabbing into my leg, was actually my bone sticking straight out and stabbing into the ground over and over again.

I had that weight on me for 45 minutes. The longest 45 minutes of my life. That had to cut holes in the truck and use a tractor to lift it off of my body. Because it was on an incline they couldn't just air-jack it up without a risk of it sliding back onto me and doing even more damage.

I can still remember the exact moment of being pulled out of the wreck. As I laid there with my oxygen mask on, I gave up. I knew I was going to die. I was barely awake and I knew that when I fell asleep, I wasn't going to be awake again. So I did what most people do in that situation. I asked forgiveness from god. I whispered my loves to those I cared about, wishing I could see them one more time to tell them personally. And I came to an acceptance that I had done everything I could have done, and that the end wasn't a bad thing. Then the weight was gone. I felt a dozen hands grabbing at me and pulling me out into the daylight. It was cold that day, but the light of the sun in my eyes and on my face was like a million candles burning for a moment that only I could feel.

They picked me up, and put me on the stretcher and started to take me to the Life-Flight Helicopter that was already waiting for me. I told them to wait before they put me in the back and whispered to one of them to thank Doug. He said he would and then they loaded me up and flew me to Mother Francis.

Entering the hospital I remember them turning me onto my side and throwing up all over some chair. This was important. Later on we found out my shoulder was cracked and that on the flight in, one of the paramedics made me hold that arm up to keep me awake. So I got a sense of satisfaction knowing he made me hurt, and I threw up all over their chair.

They put in my catheter, and then I was out. I slept on and off the next couple days.

Holidays 99

The rest of the year was a mix and match of pain and learning how to do things all over again. I couldn't walk for a very long time, and I had issues making piddle for a while even after the catheter was out. I felt constant pain for the next seven months, and had to wear an external fixator on my leg for the next six. Seven pins holding my leg together connected to my ankle. Daily trips to the hospital to have the wound cleaned, and re-wrapped. Eventually though, I would become whole again.

Now I have enough scars to map the skies. My right ankle doesn't move like it's supposed to, and my foot is angled outward. I can walk and run just fine, but I can't pop it. It hurts when its very cold because I still have a screw inside, and I have several inches of missing muscle making it feel really creepy to the touch. I have small scars all over my arms and back from glass. My shoulder was cracked, my liver was split open. I spent 9 days, including Christmas in the hospital that year.

Then I came home on December 28th, and my Grandma died on New Years morning.

I got a new lease on life that day.

The Miles Will Pull Apart

For the last week or so I have been increasingly stir crazy at home. I haven't wanted to be here, and I have been seriously repulsed by doing anything on my computer. For right now it's basically acting like a giant CD player while I loop "Blue Eyes" from July For Kings. It's amazing song and I just can't get enough right now.

I've been gone pretty much the entire day every day this week. At this point I thought that I'd want a day or two of not doing anything, just relaxing and regenerating. But that's not what I want. I want to get out right now, but the same old trips to Longview and Wal-Mart just don't cut it anymore. Something about Tyler sure has been intriguing though.

I've been put off from games lately also. Even having a Nintendo DS isn't enough of a draw for me to really sit down and give it some play-time loving. Maybe I just haven't had the right game, or maybe I'm just bored with them right now. I imagine a really good console RPG could really hit the spot right now though. Something with meaning. Something that immerses me.

So earlier in the blog I mentioned I got a new CD that I had been waiting for. Zac finally released a new full length album. It's entitled "Saturday is Gone," and it's an incredible piece of music. Every song harkens back to the Nixons days for me. Life and The Yellow EP were both wonderful they were different than the Nixons. And although this new album is too, god, it just reminds of them much more than the previous works. I Love "3 Days." It's a song Zac wrote with Ricky Wolking, a long time friend of his and current bassist of Edgewater.

Anyway though, not a whole lot more to say. I have so much on my mind I can't even really think straight, but I don't want to get into it on here right now either.

Got a haircut today

Finally got a haircut today, it's my first one in about 6 months. There is a slight difference I would say.

Having short hair also makes me look much much less like a slob now that I compare the two side by side.


After

Before 

Heart Shaped Radio

Well my Uncle Paul is back home now. He's still in bad shape though. Turns out he had a bleeding ulcer in his intestine, and was pretty much bleeding to death before our eyes last weekend. They have a bed set up for him downstairs now since their normal room is on the second floor and it's not In the easiest access place. I fed and walked their dog and cats during the week a few times each day.

My Dad is taking a new job closer to home. For the last almost 2 years he has worked 2 hours from home, and has only been home on the weekends. This new job is much closer so he'll be able to be home, and the pay is comparable to what he was making up there. A big part of the reason he took the new job was because of pressure from my Mom. I actually didn't want him to leave his current job because it is completely stable right now. He is well liked in the community and has taken that hospital to new heights, and the new one is a question mark for us at best. He insists everything will work out, but he always insists that.

It all worries me because the last time my dad worked for a questionable hospital was in the early 90s, at which point he was laid off during restructuring of the management tree. It greatly hurt us financially, and we are in a debt now, that if it happened again, bankruptcy would be the only refuge.

Got a new CD today and it's something I've been waiting years for and it's incredible. I can't go into it right now, but I will in a few days. I got Spiderman 2 this past weekend and it really is one of the best films I've ever seen. I was in awe when I saw it at the theatre but now that I can watch it at home and really delve into it, it's just that much better. I watched it 3 times the first day. The extras are interesting too.

I'm going to be without my camera this week also. My dad is letting the woman who took our last batch of kittens take it. She's gonna take a bunch of shots so we can see how they're doing. I like getting updates on animals we took care of that are bringing someone else joy now. Need to get a recent picture of the 2 white ones too.