I Break Down Profound, Beginning, End

So just like normal it's well before daylight but I am already awake. I managed to get about four hours of sleep, during my six hours of laying in bed. I woke up 3 times and a lot of it was just sitting there in the dark thinking.

My brother has a bail hearing this Wednesday. Up until now he has been held without bail for his crimes, but all of that could change tomorrow. My mom told me that he told her, "If my mom or I testify against him, his lawyer will tear us apart." Here's what I don't understand. How is his lawyer going to tear me apart?

I don't have any skeletons in my closet. I don't have any crimes or mistrusts I can pay for to bring doubt to my testimony. I'm not afraid to look embarrassed in front of a court room, nor would I give in to keep some pride. I hate him, I hate him so fucking much. Even sitting in a jail cell he thinks he can just push my family around.

The problem right now is it's been a little bit since all that stuff happened and my parents are starting to give in. My mom and dad have a problem with helping him and giving him the benefit of the doubt even though he has shit on everything they have done for him for 13 years. He does something major, and before long, my parents are indirectly helping him.

They make excuses for him. They listen to his wife who has the legal know-how of my cat. They see something bad happening and feel pity on him and once again it ends up hurting all of our lives.

My dad keeps saying he is getting this bail hearing on the condition that he not come here. I need to ask my dad if this is an actual legal stipulation to this trial, or if its just another stupid fuckin thing he told Ken to do, and listened when Ken said, "I won't Dad." If it's the latter which I fear it might be, I'm going to be spending a lot of time not here, and even more time staying with friends.

It's true what John Heffron said. If you are the youngest kid, no matter how big you end up, you're always really flinchy. My brother is in jail right now, and his threats still make me worry. I'm sure it has something to do with him holding a gun to my family saying he'll kill us, and I'm also sure that it's the feeling that by some crazy chance he is going to end up outside again.

I'm tired of putting a blanket over my window at night because I'm paranoid. I'm tired of his whore wife having their 24 hour alarm clock baby here. I'm tired of my parents and me paying for mistakes we didn't make. I want to feel safe in my house again and not worry about if my parents are ok. I want to sleep.

I just want everything to be normal again.

Sleep Deprivation

I guess I should be used to this nightly dance by now, but I'm not. I cannot sleep for more than a few hours at a time. It has been happening ever since I came home from Oregon. No matter how tired I am, I pass out like a gay panda wearing ice skates, but still wake up a few hours later.

I'm exhausted when I wake up. Every single time, so it's not like I'm getting the amount of rest I need.

Oh well I guess.

/puts on Blue October and lays back down

Da Dum Dum Dumby Do Wah

I went to sleep a little before 10:00pm, hoping I could get a jump on tomorrow, maybe accomplish something. And I wake up twice before 2:00am. The first time I woke up I went right back to sleep. The second time, which is now, I obviously am staying awake. So I had a weird dream, which is already starting to fade so let me try to get it on here before its gone.

It starts out and me and korey are traveling across the country. It's getting very late and apparently we are nearing our destination. We drive up to this old house in the woods, park and get out. This house is not a hotel or anything, but the people who live there let people stay in the extra rooms they have out in the stable area if they're traveling. So we go get in one of the rooms, and start looking around.

There are three other people staying there that night. Well, three that we see. Later on we learned there was a good eight or so, but for all purposes right now there are three. We go out and sit on this couch made of hay. Not hay just piled up, it was literally a couch made completely out of hay. Of the three we initially meet, all of them are women's. Two of them are very kind of loud mouthed and annoying, but the third one is sorta dorky, so that's the one we talk to. As the night goes on we talk and just discuss our reasons for being there.

After a little bit of this the scene changes and its all of us inside the big house. Along with Korey, the three women , and myself, there's a few other people there. We are all in a room with a piano to the side just talking. People come in and out, and eventually, the nice girl is in my lap. We are just talking and it was quite pleasant actually.

Then the people who lived there came in, and their retarded son had just died, and they wanted the girl in my lap to give the eulogy in a few minutes. No idea why she did that, must have been her job, but it made her very nervous. So I lifted her spirits and made her less afraid and before she went into the next room, we leaned in and kissed each other. Was one of those great movie type kisses where you could see it leading up to it as the movie progressed.

So she gets up and goes into the next room. She's reading a eulogy for this kid, and all the family is crowded around. I walk into the room, which happens o be a bar, and stand behind the counter. She's giving the speech, and making a lot of comments like "he couldn't really read, couldn't talk, couldn't run" and the family is loving it. When she finished everyone gave her a standing ovation. It was quite fun actually.

So it cuts to us laying together in bed for a little bit just being around each other. Most of my dreams have a moment like this to guarantee I will wake up sad and lonely.

Next it cuts back and we are leaving the house and instantly being in the desert fighting Arabians. They attack a bunch of people and then me and some guy are sent to go check it out. Several teams are actually but we are the first duo. So we're working across the desert and there's a cliff on the left of us and a canyon on the right. I see shimmers on the other canyon wall but don't think anything about it. We walk right into a trap.

Explosions start going off and he guy with me is taken out. And I go tumbling down the cliff. There's explosions all the way down, and I keep setting them off, but I'm not getting hurt by them. It is however sending me further and further down the cliff. Eventually I end up on the bottom, and I look up and there's a guy I remember from movies talking down to me seeing if I'm alive. I tell him yes but I have rubble all over me and I can't get up.

I start struggling and then this little armada of real cocky Arabians comes down the side of the cliff, where, conveniently there is a nice sloping walkway now. They have the guy trapped above me and are going to blow him and me up. They set 3 different types of explosives around us and one starts to prime it to blow s up. I leap up out of the rocks and kill the guy priming the bombs, and knock one to the ground as the other turns to face me!!

he pulls out a knife, which is useless, because in my dream I always have kick ass martial arts skills. And I fight it away from him and pin him down. I'm on the verge of killing him when I realize he writes a comic I like in this dream. So I let him and his crony live, and they intern pledge to help me across the desert. I look up to the other guy and he's dead even though nothing touched him, and me and the comic Arabian and his buddy set off.

So it cuts to the next scene just like in a movie. I have this small figurine of Anubis with me for some reason and the guy is telling me of its power. There are other statues like that all over the desert and each one can find the others. But we're walking along and I'm eating it. It sat in the desert for eons apparently, but kept its crunchy peanutty inside. I get to the point where there's tiny piece left and I drop it into the desert. The crony dives for it and I stop him telling him if he does that we will lose it. I calmly pick it up and it starts reacting. But it's not the figurine, it's me, I can feel there is one close by. From eating it, I gained it's power.

We walked a little further and then I woke up. I was kind of upset, I was enjoying my Indiana Jones type adventure.

I've Got the Mood that Seems to Scare Ya...

You're
Not so brave
When I'm the snake
and you're my prey
--James, by Blue October

Has someone ever asked you a question and then gotten mad at the answer? They bring this on themselves, and run away. It's not so much that they can't deal with it, they just sometimes seem to shut out everything except what they want to hear. If your going into a conversation with a selective memory, you've made your first mistake. Especially on a loaded question where they already know the answer.

Do you vent to Korey about me?
Yes I do.
Do you say bad things about me?
No, I vent. I talk to them about something you did that bothers me because it helps me view it in a non-hostile light. Venting keeps things from getting to the point where I want to.
I don't believe you.
You don't.......hehe....You don't believe me? Have you heard 90 percent of the conversations we've had since I've known you. Every fucking conversation is venting. You know why your friendships and relationships last as long as they do. Because of venting. Because of telling something else about something they did to make you mad. That person was a shoulder and a new set of eyes to see what you thought were problems.

But some people don't see the truth right in front of their eyes. So when you hear the bad news. When you hear something you don't want to know, or don't want to understand, you have two options.

1. Close your ears and pick out only the parts you like, and dig a deeper hole.

or

2. Listen to what I'm fucking saying before freaking out and hanging up the phone. Because sometimes...sometimes thinking before blurting out shit can be a good way to realize, things aren't what your closed off mind has them pegged as.

Keeping shit inside and letting it build up is a sure-fire way to a bad day.

I Chase the Sun, It Chases Me

So yesterday Josh and I went to Longview. We went and ate at Tony Roma's Bar and Grill, and it was delicious as usual. Afterwards we went to the crappy theatre there, because it was the only place left in our haunt areas that still had Exorcist: The Beginning playing. We get there, both full from nummies, get our tickets and head in. When we sat down they were still playing the pre-movie trivia crap. But right when the actual movie reel started feeding, one of the speakers was making this awful white noise sound.

You know, the sound that record players make before the actual record starts. Now, imagine this twice as loud as the movie, and thumping like a heartbeat. It was quite cancer inducing. A guy about 6 rows ahead of us went and told them though and by the time the movie started they had it under control. But later on, it started again. The second time it wasn't as bad, it was more like the noise a fire makes. But it went on throughout the rest of the movie.

It did not ruin the movie for me and josh. It was annoying, but I got used to it being there. When we were leaving though, I see the guy from six rows up talking to a manager, so I go stick my nose in. He was complaining about the noise and I joined in and BAM, got our money back. So I have to say it was a good movie, and a good prequel, but it was a great movie cause it was free, but then again that sound was annoying so it was only good again. Like that sentence doncha?

I got home a little before 8pm, and I was asleep by then. Woke up this morning at 10am. For those who suck at math, that is Fourteen hours of sleep. Woke up and watched Washington lose to the Giants. To Kurt Warner. Come on guys, you can't lose to Kurt Warner. That's like my dead Grandma winning an Emmy award for her work with animals.

While I was sitting here watching the game a friend logged on messenger. We exchange formalities and they started asking questions. Now, questions aren't bad, they are the absolute best way to find out information from someone. But eight of their fifteen messages after the formalities were questions. Of the seven that were not questions, six of them were one word replies like wow, hmmm, ok, and bye.

Now, this is one of the most important people in my life so I was more than happy to be talking, but what's with the run through officer? I got madly irritated by the survey and thought I conveyed this appropriately. Needless to say they logged off with what seemed to be a mad at me attitude going so I let it go. Can't wait till they read this post. Hahahahahah

So on the way back I see a tiny rainbow discoloring way in the distance. There was zero rain yesterday and there wasn't going to be any. I stared at it for about four miles before I pulled over and took a picture. It's kind of hard to see because the picture is shrunk, but....


If you look just to the right of the center of the picture there is a tiny fraction of a rainbow floating in the sky after a bright sunny rain-less day.

Religion Test, Fun for All Ages

I just took this test which I linked to from Erin's site and figured I would post my findings.

top 3 starting with 3rd place.

Liberal Quakers 84%

Unitarian Universalism 93%

Secular Humanism 100%

That pegs me pretty well on my number 1.

I bet Korey is a Mormon.
Hahahahahahaha


For more laughs of the sad variety, check out a little story I like to call.

I once had a friend who looked like this guy.

He looks exactly like he did when he was ten, just bigger. It's really quite creepy.

The Concert Has Had Me Thinking All Day

Well I was pretty damn worn down after last night. Fell asleep late, and slept even later. My neck is sore so I've been letting my head hang down a little bit today. It feels good really. It feels damn good. The feeling of the great unwind. Letting go of everything for a bit can tax the body and mind.

Anyway, before the concert last night, there were a lot of Blue October songs that had some deep meaning to me. But now they mean even more. I've just been sitting here in the dark listening to them for several hours now. Not gonna get too deep right now, just here's some snippets that are really soothing and home-hitting right now. I know it's assumed, but these are all Blue October songs.

"I only want you to see
my favorite part of me
and not my ugly side
not my ugly side..."
--Ugly Side

"By the way
By your side I'll stay
if that's ok
Then by your side I'll stay forever
here I am standing up
because I want to fall in love with you"
--Clumsy Card House

"Stride...If you fail at least you tried
to keep your aching, celebrating,
wonder making heart alive
Pride...Don't keep it all inside
Don't keep your aching, celebrating
wonder making heart alone
So write your own song"
--Inner Glow

"I scratch at your waist line...Your doll hair
I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow.
So I make you my religion, my collision, my escape goat.
So have I found your secret weak spot. Baby?"
--Amazing

"When you shake the walls, you've got to make them bend
yeah you've got to show her that she's pretty
she's so pretty
you're the balance beam
And I keep falling all around this fairy tale"
--Balance beam

"Cause I can make you laugh if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
Libby I'm listening to you"
--Libby I'm Listening

"I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people
My heart while in its cage, is used to give and not receive a thing
But the only funny thing is that I don't know how to give myself advice"
--The Answer

I'll stop here since at this rate I'm going to list a snippet of every single song. Can't wait to get my CD/DVD combo in.

Content in Thought. By the way, about the pink blanket, I'm paranoid after the stuff with my brother so I cover my window at night now.

Black Below the Tree

Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? What I mean is: Have you ever purposely done something you knew would cause yourself pain because it helps someone else? Or better yet, have you ever sat by and watched it happen, knowing you'll be worse for the wear?

Why do people do that sometimes? It would be so much easier to just walk away and let things fall without having to trouble yourself. But you don't. You see it coming and you stand arms out on the tracks. You take a chunk of the force onto your own frame just to help another.

The only thing that ever seems to come from this is more emotions. Not the good ones like amusement, or glee. Only the bad ones. The ones that make it hard to sleep even after the perfect night. I wish there was a away to do it without the suffering and loneliness. A way for everyone to win, and everyone's lives to go on into a beautiful sunset. But there isn't.

Maybe we do it, so we can offer someone a softer place to land. I guess that's enough for me. It's going to have to be enough. I should probably welcome this. Being called upon in a time of help, shows more than need, it shows trust. It shows a belief that maybe you can make things better.

I know why people do it. Because sometimes the most difficult things are also the most rewarding. Sometimes what may seem like a burden, is really a gift.

"I'm an automatic Steeple for Depressed and lonely people
My heart while in its cage is used to give and not receive a thing"
--The Answer by Blue October

I wipe the slate clean, I kick that daydream

Hunter and I saw Blue October for the first time tonight. They played at Clicks Billiards in Tyler. Was our first time at this venue also. I was really impressed with the actual place and the sound quality, and the location. But Blue October...

Blue October changed some things for me tonight. I haven't been to a concert in a long time as is. And while the last two were incredible(Zac Maloy yellow EP release, and Juliana Theory). This was just something beyond those.

I needed this tonight. We both did. I needed to let go, and just release everything. I needed to scream and feel the music. But I didn't do that. I didn't feel the music. I didn't hear the music. The way Justin writes, and the way he sang took it further than that. Every one of these songs was my life. Even if I had never had those things happen to me. I was there, I was fully part of all of it. The ones I have had similar experiences though. They stood out and made me feel and think about stuff I hadn't thought about in a long time.

It's hard to put all of this into words. It really is. Everything into account this is the new number one concert of my life. And I never ever thought I'd say this, but there's a new Captain of the Guards. I'm sorry Zac. I'm sorry Nixons. I'm sorry other great bands I love, but...

Blue October is my favorite band.

I'm dead tired so I will end this tonight with tonight's set-list.

Sexual Powertrip
HRSA
Schizophrenia
Clumsy Card House
Balance Beam
Inner Glow
Ugly Side
Calling You
Independently Happy
Somebody
Razorblade
Chameleon Boy
James
Amazing - Was a very long version of the song, had at least 3 more verses
Violin Solo
New Song
Come in Closer

was a 2 hour set. Was Exactly what I needed

Hunter has a way with bar chicks 

I only want you to see, my favorite part of me. And not my ugly side. Not my ugly side.

I think I'll lie a bit. Lord I won't cry over anything, over anything at all. 

Can you show me how to treat someone? I don't recall, ever learning how, because I keep fucking up.

What Kind of Friend are You?

I don't mean what kind of friend are you to me. What kind of friend are you to your friends? At what lengths have you gone to save a friendship? I have been thinking about what it means to be a friend to someone a lot lately. Maybe its because I just got back from Oregon and saw one I've only seen twice in my life. Whatever it is, I think I'm gonna try and examine what kind of friend I am.

Through most of my life, I really never had any real friends. I had people I hung out with, people I called friends, but I never really could depend on them.

Me, the Early Years

When I lived in Elmira new York I had one really close friend named Tony. He was as close to me as family, and he lived down the road so we were always together. We did what all kids did back before the world went to crap, we played Nintendo(NES) and acted like werewolves in our backyards.

I remember the day we were packing up the last of our stuff and moving. I hadn't seen him in a couple days, and I was mad and hurt that he hadn't come to say goodbye. But that morning before he left for school, his mom brought him over and he came in, face red from crying, and gave me a picture of himself with his address and name written on the back. I still have that picture, but I never kept in touch. He was important in my childhood, and the best friend I had ever had, but I never wrote or had any contact once we moved. I was a shitty friend, and took all that hurt I felt from his absence and turned around and did pretty much the same thing.

Welcome to Texas

It was 1990 when my family and I moved to Texas. I was in the fourth grade, and had a horrible time finding my place to fit in. When we first arrived we didn't have a house so we rented one for about the first 8 months of living there. It was in town and in a nice neighborhood, but there were no kids my age. My mom quickly became very good and eventually best friends with Kris Marlowe across the street. My brother at the same time, became best friends with her son, Adam Marlowe. I played video games and hung out with my brother when he would let me. I miss when he was a good brother.

After about 8 or 9 months, we got our own house about 5 miles outside of town. When we first moved in, I still knew no one. I hadn't' met or made really any friends at school, and I was still just playing video games all day every day. A couple of days after moving some kids on the street came and introduced themselves. I met Nathan, Randy and Marcus that day. It was cool having people to hang out with finally, and I really needed someone other than Link to keep me active there.

Randy was my first good friend there. He was a country boy, and I was very much a dork, but we got along really well. He lived directly across the street from me so it was convenient too. We spent a lot of time walking in the woods, playing basketball, and jumping on my trampoline. We got in one fight during our friendship. Neither of us really did a lot of damage but he won I'd say since he got in more punches. We were still friends after that but it wasn't long before he switched schools, and we kinda drifted apart. Eventually he moved and I never heard from him again.

Next was my friendship with Nathan. He lived about a quarter of a mile down the street, so it was a walk but was still more than close enough to just walk back and forth between our homes. We were pretty good friends, but we had some personality clashes that resulted in a fight every so often. We had six in total while I lived there. About halfway through our friendship my brother took me and him out to the car port and introduced us to pot. I had already seen more than enough of it in his downfall, but Nathan hadn't been exposed. I said hell no, and Nathan smoked his first joint.

Nathan soon became a pothead. He made some pothead friends at school, and soon enough he and I were pretty distant. He hung out with a group of about 5 kids who all toked up, and I went back to my video games. Well, to be honest it wasn't just my video games. I became really good friends with his brother. His brother was only 9 or so at this point and I was 14, so it was kinda weird, but we got along really well. He sometimes saw me as a brother I think, and I saw him as someone who hadn't turned into someone I didn't want to be around anymore. Until I moved to Winnsboro, I was friends with them both though and we kept in touch for a little while. Nathan came and stayed with my family once about 5 months after we finally moved, but after that we drifted apart.

Check that, after that I stopped calling him or talking to him. I was the one who cut off the contact. He had been a good friend overall, but I was at a new place, and started over once again. I seemed to do that with every location change as I grew up until I came to Winnsboro. Winnsboro is where I found my first true friends I knew I could trust and rely on. It's also where I stopped feeling like a loser and finally felt like I was important to people.

Happiness in a Small Town

Until Winnsboro I was always a quiet kid. I went to school, did good enough to pass, kept to myself, and then came home and played video games. I was happy when we were moving because I really hated Nacogdoches, but I never expected Winnsboro would have worked out this well for me.

The high school here was completely unlike Nacogdoches. There I was a scared little white boy in a sea of brown and black. Now I shouldn't use race as an excuse to me not being social in Nac, but it really did hamper things. It was also a big school. 2,000+ kids and it was constantly growing. It was pretty daunting.

When I came to Winnsboro, the very first day of school I met Tony. He was cool, we hung out a lot and he became my first friend here. Through Tony I met other people in the school. I met everyone basically. The school was much smaller, so the lines between groups were blurred a little, and everyone knew everyone else. I'm going to skip a lot of the minor stuff here and focus on the big fish for me.

The next friend I made here was Hunter. We had Biology together. Every day I would bring my CD's and my discman to school with me so I could have something to do while I was bored. Hunter and Chris were cool and talked to me and made me feel welcome in that class and the school. Erica made me feel welcome too, but dirty at the same time...Anyway....One day Hunter was looking through my CD's and saw a nirvana CD he had never seen before. Hunter to this day loves them, and while I was a fan, I knew it wasn't nearly as important to me as it was to him. So I traded that bootleg to him for his copy of Pearl Jam's Ten CD. It was my fourth copy, and I needed a new one so it was a great deal.

One day I went by this kid named Ryan's house after school to take some papers or something he needed to him. Hunter was there and when I was leaving he followed me to my house. We basically just watched TV and messed around on my computer till around 7pm that night, at which point he went home. He came over practically every day after that for years.

During this same time I was making friends with other people as well. I started seeing Jo, which is a whole other post in itself. Needless to say we were a couple for around four years, and I was miserable almost the whole time. I was becoming really close friends with Stuart Folmar though in school. And soon he was coming over to my house all the time too. Stuart is an ass, probably the biggest ass I've ever known, and I love him for it. There's a lot of people who can make me laugh but Stuart can do more than that. He can make me laugh till I cry at the drop of a hat. He will literally do anything to make people happy or laugh.

The next piece of the puzzle came from a combination Trigonometry, and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Doug Russell was in my Trig class, and we knew each other, but I can't really say we had been friends. One day though, out of the blue, I get a phone call. It was something to the tune of "Hey man, this is Doug Russell, I heard you talking about Zelda today, did you get it?" He came over and I showed him everything I had done, then he popped in his memory card and showed me what he had done. We caught up with each other and basically spent every day till the end of that game at one another house. His especially because he had two TV's in his room so we could both play our games at the same time.

There's two other important ones from high school I'm going to comment on. One will get a lot more detail in the next section, and one will end here. First I'll say I was very close friends with Mike Miller also. I was at his house all the time, and I took him to and from work when he needed. Helped him run errands. We were really good friends. Then he joined the Marines and I didn't seem him for 3 years. This isn't that big of a problem, but he came home MANY times during this time and never once came to see me. I took this as a big betrayal, and it damaged our friendship beyond much repair and I have only seen him twice since then.

The other important one from HS is Josh. Josh and I weren't that close in high school, but after high school we started having a lot of sex. Did I say that out loud? I meant we hung out a lot that's it.

I went from a tiny fish in a big ass pond, and came to Winnsboro, and became a normal fish in a normal pond. I found friends I would keep, and ones I would strengthen over time. I graduated and was named Class Clown, and one of our three Class Prophets.

Growing Up Aftermath

After HS Jo and I enrolled in TJC here in Tyler and started to go to college. Well, she did, I just skipped every day and went to Doug's house. Here almost every day, Josh and I would show up and the three of us would hang out. Listen to music, one of us was usually sleeping and one of us was always playing video games. This went on for pretty much the whole semester until I dropped my classes. Work was more than I could handle and money seemed to be more important at that point in my life than getting an education. But that was more than fine by me. It made Josh and Doug two of the most important people I would ever have in my life.

In December after graduating I was in a car wreck that almost killed me. I was thrown out of the drivers side window and the truck came to rest on my back. My leg was shattered. It broke in 17 places. Doug was with me along with his room-mate Chase. They were both ok, but it was a horrifying experience that only brought us closer together. All my friends came and saw me when I was in the hospital. Hunter came as soon as he got back in town, Mike stopped by twice, Doug was there a lot, josh came, so did even some people I knew from work.

Stuart was kind of a mistake though. He didn't know I was there, but his dad had a heart attack and was across the ICU from me. On one of my first days there during my brief periods of consciousness I saw him walk by. I sent Jo to grab him and he came around the corner and broke down when he saw me. Stuart and I have always had a very emotional relationship. During graduation we just hugged each other and bawled. This time when he saw me we both broke down, but hugging me was kinda hard to do since I was in traction after the wreck to prevent further injury.

It was after my wreck that I started playing a game called Everquest. Through Everquest I met Korey. We met within a couple months of me starting to play. We knew each other in game and eventually became guildmates. After a while I got his phone number and called him one night. We talked for quite a while actually while hunter played, but then after that we didn't talk on the phone again for a long long time. But the next time I called it turned into the nightly ritual. We have kept in touch and I've probably talked more to him in the last 3 years than any one other person. He flew down to visit me and I drove up to visit him. Good times good times.

Also during this year I met Sarah. Doug's at the time girlfriend, but honestly I am going to put this whole subject to the side cause its a great big web of tangles and stuff that I don't need to go into in an already giant blog post.

Driving Forward in to Today

At this point in my life, the important friends I've listed are still important. Stuart has been in the Navy for years now and is currently on the U.S.S. Kittyhawk somewhere floating in an ocean. He will be out next year though and I'm glad because I miss my friend.

Hunter and josh each live within a 10 minute drive of me. I still see them both all the time and they are still both 100 times more brothers to me than my real brother ever was.

I just came back from Driving to Oregon to see Korey. That should say enough right there. The fact alone that I drove 2300 miles twice to visit him speaks volumes. Also, one more word...buttsex....err, crap wasn't supposed to type that. nevermind.

I still talk to Sarah all the time. Hell I am on the phone with her right now, and as far as phone time goes in my life, she probably has at least 40 thousand hours more than anyone else.

Last but not least is Doug. Doug and I have a weird relationship. We have the longest periods of not talking of any of my friends and I can't really understand why. We have had almost life destroying things come up between us, but we always work past it. He and I aren't talking right now which is sad. I miss him, and I emailed him yesterday hoping to get a response, because whether he knows it or not, I still love him and I want to hear from him.

So What Kind of Friend am I now?

Well after all these years I've gone from the type of person who would start anew and wash away everything from where I used to be. To now I've become someone who cherishes my friends like they are the most important thing in the world to me, because they are. Except for jo and mike, and the minor players and the older ones, I would easily die for anyone I have talked about. Most of them Consider me their best friend and I am really lucky to have that. I will not let any of them get away from me. No matter the distance, no matter the problem we can always sit down and watch a good game of football and make fun of the linebacker who slipped on the play and caused our team to lose.

I'm the kind of friend who knows I'm only as good as those around me, and I'm only as strong as those who support me.

I'm glad I learned from my past mistakes. I'm glad I appreciate them. And I'm glad they appreciate me.

I love you guys.

So really. What kind of friend are you?






This message was brought to you by America's Dairy Farmers. If it's not American milk, your probably just drinking spooge!

Blue October CD and DVD

You all know I love music, and I will be seeing Blue October live this Wednesday in Tyler Texas. So I just want to take a second to direct people to their site Blue October Where they are taking pre-orders for their new Live CD/DVD combo. Only 30 dollars for a 2 hour+ concert on DVD and CD, it's an incredible deal.

I bet they have them for sale at the concert but I went ahead and ordered my copies anyway. They ship this Friday, and are only available through the website.

Damn it's a good year for music. Chevelle a week from Tuesday too.

Look Look Look..............Yes i am Crying inside

Hetfield gives Mini Me a Concert. Holy Shit I'm Bored

Ugly Kittens? Ugh....Are You Crazy?

A friend of mine said she thought those 2 kittens below were ugly. Seriously, have you seen them? They are two of the most beautiful kittens I have ever seen.

That's like looking in the dictionary and asking, "Where's all the shoelaces?"

Exactly, it's crazy talk.

I miss those kitties.

Blunt Visual Trauma

Have you ever seen something, that is so beyond comprehension, that it makes you feel like it actually jumped up into your face and hurt you? Something that truly goes beyond the boundaries of rational and runs a gambit of pure lunacy. They really make you think. They really make you run a mile through your brain trying to crack the cryptic network of narrative nightmares.

Basically.....
Have you read what I just typed?

Bye Bye kitties

About 2 months ago, our neighbors cat had kittens. We don't know how but 2 of them somehow got in our attic and then fell down into our wall. We had to cut a hole out so they didn't die and smell up the house. Three days before that our neighbors moved away, taking the mother cat with them.

So we were stuck. We had 2 very small baby kittens under our care, and we couldn't just let them die so we fed and took care of them until now. At first I was doing a good job of not getting attached. We kept them in cat carries when they slept because we were worried our other cats would kill them. At first I hated them. They cried all the time so loud it would wake me up. Once they got to where we just let them run around, though, I got attached.

My dad is heading back to Sherman for work and he just took them. A guy who works for him is going to take them and keep them as house cats, which is good and it lets my Mom relax cause they'll be safe inside. They were never going to be our pets, but I'm overly clingy with animals, and I miss them already.

I'll miss you kitties.

Still don't feel like my huge home from Oregon update.

It's a Long Long Getaway

4500 Miles worth of gas: $300
2 New Tires in New Mexico: $300
60,000 mile Car maintenance: $950
Improving my record against Korey in Mario Kart to 38-10: Priceless

FACE!!!!!!!

Well I haven't Updated in a While.......

I'm still in Oregon, I have been here 8 days now. The time has gone by really quick, especially considering me and Korey have done little else but play World of Warcraft. In case your wondering, between the two of us we have a 13 Dwarf Pally, a 13 undead Rogue, a 6 undead Rogue, a 10 Dwarf Hunter, and a 10 Orc Warrior. This game terrifies me, and I still dunno if I am going to play it when it comes out. Don't get me wrong, It's like nothing I've ever played before, I just don't want to make that commitment to a game again.

The drive up was alright. The first two days were fine. Pretty much just sat on I-40 for 1200 miles of straight flat road. The last day was pretty bad though. Long winding roads in the mountains that force you down to 15 miles per hour as you hang your ass off the side of a mountain are not exactly fun. It was like living Cruise'N USA. Honesty I would rather keep that experience in my games.

Oregon Roads are horrible. HORRIBLE! Constantly winding, and driving on them for the first time at night was a really stupid idea. By the time I got to Korey's I had a constant flex for about 2 hours while I held on for my life. There is a siren here in Myrtle Creek that goes off every time there is a wreck on the interstate near here. It has gone off every day. One day it went off 4 or 5 times. It's really disheartening to hear that over and over each day and know that there is someone's life on the line on that road. It actually gets kind of depressing.

You may have noticed I haven't posted any pictures yet. Well theres 2 reasons for that. One, on the drive up I didn't want to stop and elongate my trip any more than I had to. And two, My camera doesn't like Oregon and has randomly shut itself off since I got here. The battery indicator is not on, but still, when I try to delete pictures right now, my camera pouts and goes to sleep. So I don't think I'm going to have the great vacation trips like I had hoped for.

Nevada is a shithole. So is California until you get in the north eastern part of the state. That area is really beautiful with winding mountains and perfectly clear reflecting lakes. Really wanted to stop and shoot off some snapshots but I didn't want to lose any time.

Myrtle Creek is pretty much a Winnsboro tucked away in the mountains here in Oregon. It's only difference is its a lot damn harder to get to the nearest other towns. In Winnsboro you can drive 15 minutes in 4 or 5 directions and get to another town. Here you have 2 options, north or south, and the roads suck ass. Did I mention the roads are crap?

I'll be coming home Thursday morning, which will put me back either Saturday evening, or Sunday morning/early afternoon. It all depends on how much I want to push myself. Making sure I'm leaving early in the morning though because I do not want to ever drive these roads at night again.

I'll update again before I leave if I think about it, and if I don't, I'll see everyone a few days after I get home.